Nightmare Before Dawn

For the second time in my life I was woken up in the middle of the night to a phone buzzing constantly with phone calls and texts all coming in at 12:23 am. I woke up to a voicemail from my Borderline Mama saying the sentence I never wanted to hear again in my life. "There has been a shooting tonight... were just calling to make sure you're okay" Dazed and in shock from what I just listened to I called her back and she told me to turn on the news after asking if she had gotten in touch with our whole Borderline family but she told me there were still people we hadn't heard from. I turned on the news not caring who I was going to wake up and I called my now Fiance who was deployed overseas not 3 weeks earlier and filled him in as he watched the tears from 6000 miles away unable to help comfort me or protect me. Watching my home broadcasted on the news hearing my lovely Kristina was most likely among the confirmed losses caused the hole beginning in my heart to widen to account for her absence. I sat watching in horror as I texted into my bar girls group chat and we all touched base to make sure everyone we knew was okay and the news began to trickle in as we found the whereabouts of our friends confirming their safety as the time kept passing. Then comes the phone call from my older brother who let out the breath he was holding with a "thank god" as I answered the phone. He had just heard the news and was terrified knowing that Im a regular there. After confirming I was okay I wished I'm a happy birthday since it was 1:30 am November 8th. Never thought I would be giving my safety as a birthday present. As the time passed that night I spent it fielding phone calls and texts from terrified loved ones and being the terrified loved one trying to make sure my second family was all safe. 4 am came along and I decided I couldn't watch it any longer knowing I still had to go to my 8 am class the next morning. The next morning I was woken up by a phone call with a friend sobbing on the other line thankful I answered and telling me how scared she was that I was there because anyone who knew me knew that was where I was always. Thats how the next few hours went as people heard the news and one by one called in to see if I was okay. Meanwhile I was waiting on word from friends I knew were there. Told my teacher who knew me that Id be stepping out the second I received a call because by then we still hadn't heard whether Tel was okay or not. All of us shared words of disbelief and love throughout the day as we stayed in touch waiting to hear word. I went through the day numb not knowing what to think or feel going through my classes fielding phone calls getting to work and realizing I can't focus any more. My heart was too heavy in my chest and I couldn't walk around campus anymore so I left work early and went home. Letting the hours pass letting loved ones know I was okay and sharing words of sadness and loss because our home was now gone and those we loved in it were hurt. Those that I knew were there I made sure to get contact to confirm that they were okay though I couldn't physically be there with them. Mixed messages were sent around about whether Tel was safe or not because no one had heard from him and we all knew he wasn't working that night but his phone kept going to voicemail. People posted to Facebook and the last we had heard was that he was safe and at home. Then someone said he was in the hospital but that his parents were with him so he was okay. then 4pm came and it was sent to our group that he was among the confirmed dead. Our hearts collectively shattered in that moment. We all thought he was fine, we were told he was safe. He wasn't even supposed to be there. How could he make it through one only to not survive the other. Why did this have to happen? Then the next things that go through your head is a mixture of guilt and panic because you cant remember what the last thing you said to them was. Did I tell him I loved him as I left the bar last week? did I hug him or did I leave without saying goodbye because I couldn't find him and id just see him next week. But I knew I didn't hug him last week because I left early and couldn't find him. Did he know how cherished he was by everyone he knew? and Kristina. My sweet adorable Kristina. We were going to party at Stagecoach together because you were going to be 21 "finally". We talked about it all the time. You met my now Husband first when I brought him in and you gave me that approving look knowing I hadn't brought anyone in before. We've danced together, laughed together, shared stories, shared I love you's and hugs coming and going for the better part of almost 2 years and in one day that all stopped. And then the fires shook everyone and moved people around with evacuations and devastation and left people who were already reeling from one tragedy displaced and devastated again. I spent the next 2 weeks attending funerals and vigils and wakes for people barely older than I am feeling like there is nothing that I could do or say that would make this any better. the one thing that kept me going was a conversation I had with Tel a few months before about Route 91. That day really effected him and he swore that if something like that were to ever happen and he was around he would go back in to save as many people as he could because thats what he regretted most about Route so thats what he did. He went back in. But he also told me that he realized we couldn't stop living and having fun and embracing life after something like that happens because its not what those who are now lost to us would want. They would want us to keep going and keep living life because they cant anymore. We have to do it all for them. I guess that is the weird series of events that we were able to talk about how he would want people to be after something like this happened because he had already lived through it once. I had a dream a few weeks later, one of those vivid immersed dreams where you can feel what's happening but you are along for the ride and though it was weird and out of place I ended up back at borderline at the steps by the bathroom looking up at the exit from the bar side where Tel always liked to stand watch and there he was. His big goofy grin and his arms open wide saying his classic "Hey! Wheres my hug?" I woke up in tears but felt a bit of closure feeling like I had gotten my chance to say goodbye. Im always going to miss my home and I see a little bit of my angels in everything I do from Tels business card falling out of my purse at my job interview to a song Kristina and I loved coming on the radio and I will keep them with me no matter where I go. Theres a little Tel in my engagement photos and there will be a little Borderline in my wedding because they will always be a piece of who I am and I will always miss them and the place I called home for years.

Kathleen M.