Grief at a Distance

It’s 7:30 in the morning on nov 8. I’ve just woken up to get ready for muster. I’m currently in Goose Creek, SC. I check my phone and find missed calls and texts from my dad. I dial his number and wait for him to respond, concerned that he was calling because we don’t talk too often. He picks up the phone and says “have you talked to Noel? There was a shooting at borderline and nobody has heard from her.” My heart drops. I know she was there the night before because she posted a photo on Snapchat with text saying “it’s quiet tonight” and a time stamp of about 11:00. 
I tell him “no, I haven’t heard from her. I’ll try calling her. I have to go so I can make it in time for muster.” We say goodbye and end the call. I try calling Noel, no answer. I try getting ahold of her through Snapchat, no answer. 
Over the next couple of hours all I can think about is whether or not she had escaped or if she was in a hospital somewhere. I called the victims hotline 3 or 4 times that day and they kept saying that they had information about her but they couldn’t release anything yet, even to family. Every single memory that I had of us kept replaying over and over in my head and I couldn’t fight the feeling in my chest that she didn’t make it. I tried getting ahold of my papa that day and he wasn’t answering the phone either. Noel had just dropped off my grandma for back surgery the day before. 
Around 5 pm that night I got a call from my sister and my heart stopped. I hesitantly picked up the phone and said “hello?” All I could hear was a voice breaking on the other end and the words “it was her.” My world turned upside down. My best friend was gone. My aunt, Noel, who I had grown up with and who I had so many memories with, was gone. I threw my phone, ran outside and collapsed on the ground. My head was spinning. My vision was blurry. The only words that could come out of my mouth were “no. no, no, no.” I couldn’t breathe. My friends wrapped me in a hug while I wept. They had been waiting with me all day so that they could be there when I found out for sure. The rest of the night was a blur. I went over to a friends house so that I wouldn’t be alone and we played board games and they asked me stories about Noel and comforted me. 
Over the next few days, I coordinated with my command to get leave so that I could go home and grieve with my family. I had to fight my LPO for the time off because he didn’t want to give it to me. He finally agreed to let me have the leave on nov 9. Later on, I found out one of my former LPOs has gone up to him and told him off for even thinking about not letting me go home, which is something I will forever be grateful for. 
I finally got on my flight home that Saturday and the first stop I made was Cedars-Sinai to visit my grandma. I can’t even imagine what it’s like to wake up from surgery and find out that your child has been taken away from you and that you will have to experience the rest of your life without them. 
Finally I arrived back to my hometown of Thousand Oaks, and the city was in ruins. Fires had been burning through our home, and they were continuing to burn. The one thing that was strong was our community, we were all standing outside of borderline in prayer circles and grieving for each other.  
Even though she wasn’t there, I kept telling myself that she wasn’t gone. That they made a mistake. That she would show up one day and that we would all be okay. 
The viewing was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Having to say goodbye to Noel for the last time was devastating. Accepting that is was her face lying in front of me was torture.  
The next few weeks, I kept thinking about how I would never be able to hug Noel again, how I’d never see her smile or laugh again, the only experiences I’d ever have with her would be in my memories. 
Did I tell her I loved her the last time we talked?
Why didn’t I call her back after we had to hang up because the bus coming back from a Calvary bonfire was really loud? Why didn’t I go with her to all of the Calvary events or to borderline when I was in town? Why didn’t I call her on her birthday instead of texting her? 
Then came the anger.. Why didn’t the man just end his own life instead of taking so many of our loved ones? Why did it have to be Noel? There was so many people there! Why wasn’t it someone else. 
After I returned to SC, it was hard to go to work because everyone would ask me how I was doing and I’d just burst into tears. I didn’t have an answer because I wasn’t okay and I didn’t know when I would be. 
Eventually, it became easier to cope. I wasn’t crying every day like I was the first few months. Now when I think about it, I remember all of the good times I had and I look at pictures of us. Recently it’s been hard because Noel’s birthday was last month and the year anniversary is coming up. I will never forget the day that changed my life. I love you so much Noel. We will see you again.

Savannah M.