12 Hours to 12 Angels

My life was forever changed in the course of 12 hours. I've had a hard time actually talking about what I went through in that time, but I'm hoping it will help with the healing as the anniversary draws near.

On November 7th at 11:40PM, I was in bed and received a call from my boyfriend's mother. She told me there had been a shooting at Borderline and that my boyfriend was missing. His sister was safe, but he wasn't responding; so she asked me to talk to my dad (retired law enforcement) to see if he could find anything out and to try calling him, because he might answer if I call. I remember remaining calm on the phone with her, almost in disbelief, and then walking into my parent's room and losing it and telling them he was missing. They turned on the news and sure enough, it was true. I was seeing my friends on the screen and flashing lights, helicopters, SWAT team surrounding where I was with my love just a week prior. My dad looked at me and said "You don't know yet, so don't borrow trouble and try calling him". I called him probably 10 times, with no answer. It started to set in that he might be seriously hurt, and I wasn't there. I wasn't even close. And I had to be there. So my parents and I got dressed and began the 100 mile drive to Thousand Oaks.

12:30AM. On the way, I had people texting me, asking if we were both okay. It was so hard saying that I was fine but he was missing. I was begging people to call me if they heard ANYTHING. Soon enough, my boyfriend's dad calls to say that whoever was working the front door security was gone. I knew that it wasn't him, but my heart sank, because I knew exactly who that was. I couldn't handle that news. I cried to my parents while they sped down the highway; he had children, he had a life, he was my friend, how could this happen?

2:00AM. We arrived at my boyfriend's house where we met up with some of our other friends. His car wasn't there, and neither was he. I was trying to make light and say "He's just busy, he'll call when he can. We're all still going to the comedy show next week right?" Most thought or knew worse than I did. His parents were at the hospital, hearing that there was a chance he was there. I asked if I should meet them there and they said yes. I grabbed a cup of coffee and we were off, once again.

2:45AM. Still no news of him as we walked into the Emergency waiting room. I made eye contact with his mother, and she immediately broke down and hugged me and my parents. As I hugged his father, it was clear that my boyfriend wasn't there. I was seeing some of my other friends, bandages on their arms and hollow expressions on their faces.. They had experienced something I can't comprehend and are still here to find out about others. People continued to text and call, asking if there was news, ANY news of him. I sat there and watched my phone light up, not knowing what to do. He HAD to be somewhere, right? He was too busy helping people to answer us; that had to be it. And then it clicked with me, I followed his location on "Find My Friends"! I pulled that up, and his phone was still at Borderline. Okay, so he had either dropped his phone in the chaos or, knowing him, he was helping the injured. But as pastors and other loved ones arrived saying he was "at peace", and other things along those lines, my heart was having a difficult time believing any of this could be happening. I remember wailing into my mom's lap, crying and begging God to not have taken him yet. Begging for that text saying "I'm fine. Call you as soon as I can." Something, anything.. Soon I called his out of state best friend and said he needed to come home. The earliness of the hours just didn't matter anymore, he needed to know and get on a plane.. Maybe having us all together would help? We waited for another of his best friends to finish getting stitched up before moving to the next place. More names of missing people were coming up. More friends of ours weren't responding for one reason or another. We just wanted answers.

5:15AM. All of us were sent to the Teen Center, where we waited with friends, family, and those who wanted to show their love and support to complete strangers. I remember shaking uncontrollably even though I was in a warm, crowded room. The Red Cross volunteers came around with blankets, which I initially refused because I wasn't cold, but they said it would get my body to stop shaking as much. So I sat there, curled into a ball and now wrapped in a blanket in silence. A man I didn't recognize sat down next to me and asked who I was waiting to hear news of. At this point, I knew that two of my friends had passed, and I was waiting for news on my boyfriend and 3 other friends. This man, said he didn't know anyone, but asked for my boyfriend's name and if he could pray over me. In the short few minutes that he was there praying for healing and comfort, I felt as if someone was watching over me. Someone cared and wanted a positive outcome for this, and it was the first time that I realized that there was still good out there in the dark times. When he finished, he thanked me for allowing him to be a part of my day and went to pray for the next person. If you're reading this, I'm sorry that I don't remember your name, but I'm so grateful to you.

9:30AM. More people I knew were arriving to hear news and another dear friend's name was announced as gone, along with some others whose pictures I recognized. Someone with us gets a phone call with news of a missing friend. When she answered, it sounded like it was him on the phone, so I ran to get one of my friend so we can talk to him and ask where he was. When we return, the one who answered the phone was sitting down, crying. With that, we knew we lost another friend.. I proceeded into the main room with a feeling of sickness as I found this man's roommate to say that we just got the news. His looked up at me and said "I know" and went with the police officer for the official notification. Nothing made sense, I felt like it was some sick joke and they were just behind a curtain waiting to jump out and surprise us all. I sat there in the main room, watching other families get the news of their loved ones and embrace those around them. I prayed for a miracle, I prayed for that twisted joke, or that he had just been overlooked running around the chaos. But the looks on the faces of those around me made it hard to hold onto hope.

11:20AM. An officer walked up to the family and asked who they would want in the room with them as they were given the information. I looked at my dad, hoping that he would make a sign that it was good news, but he looked down and muttered, "crap". I knew that meant he knew the next conversation well, and that it was the hard one.. So we were escorted into another building, where that small conference room became very crowded very quickly. I had my parents standing on either side of me, pretty much holding me up and his immediate family were seated in the middle of the room. Then the officer said the words we were hoping wouldn't be said... "He did not make it... But he was one of the heroes last night". To this day, I still remember what the officer looked like, where everyone in the room was standing, and how my mother was shaking as she held back tears. We quietly listened to what each representative had so say, but I didn't hear anything. Just those words over and over again.

11:40AM. It was publicly announced by the university on behalf of the family that he was one of the ones lost. As soon as I saw, I quietly made my own announcement.

It's hard to explain what goes through a person when they lose their significant other. It's not only losing the present that you had with them, but also the future that you planned together: the trips, wedding, children, pets, lazy mornings, holidays, careers, retirement, everything. In that moment, I felt like I would never come close to the love my parent's showed every day because my person, whom I knew it was all possible with, was gone.

Now almost 1 year later, I can say that it IS possible. It'll never be the same, but that's okay because it doesn't need to be nor should it. And it's okay to not be okay all of the time. It's okay to not be the same person you were before. It's okay to make new memories in honor of all of the friends you lost, and new ones with the new friends you've gained. It's okay to just be. Sometimes, that's all you can do. Let the grief come when it wants to, let your emotions flow and don't hold them back. Just because you feel weak doesn't mean you aren't strong. And better yet, it's okay to let someone in to support you, care for you, and love you. Is it scary? 100%. But is it bad? Not at all. The twelve people that we lost wouldn't want us to live only in their memory. It's a hard lesson to accept, but as one of our dear friends said, "You have to live for those who can't".

For Sean, Kristina, Tel, Dan, Noel, and my mister, Justin Meek. I will love you and the rest of the twelve every day for the rest of my life and try my best to make you proud. I will continue to thrive and show compassion and support, and most importantly, love.

Love always,

Kelsey C.